Random

It's been two months since my last update. I've been busy. I guess. Or lazy. Hard to say.

I do know that I'm struglling again with motivation. I don't seem to be able to move like I used to. I'm a bit stuck behind the screen. I tend to lose myself in Youtube (mostly Shorts) or doomscrolling Reddit. I am aware of these habits and I have a bit more power to disengage with them and for this I am grateful. Else I'll lose myself.

My best friend told me recently he's lost desire to do anything but watch Youtube. I hear him loud and clear. I've been able to remove myself from social media¹, but I haven't been able to kick the Reddit habit. There's a lot of utility in Reddit and Youtube, and they are designed to keep you on that site. Much like AI chat is designed to keep you engaged and on that site. Our shorter attention spans are klilling us slowly and we don;t even notice it.

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1. I recognize that Reddit is often referred to as social media, though I don't agree with that, it's more of an unstructured message board. Now that I wrote that, social media is a collection of unstructured message boards… fuck.

I've been feeling off lately. I am not sure how long I've been feeling it and it might have a lot to do with the passing of my father. It took a while to find the right words to describe what I feel and I think I can succinctly describe it as follows:

I have the desire, and lack the motivation.

I have a list of things I want to do, yet I really struggle with the actual doing of things. I attribute this to laziness, though my partner is inclined to not belive this at all and instead tells me that she doesn't see lazy when she looks at me or what I do.

My strength is perseverance, it's also my weakness. I persevere through a lot. I have the thought that I do a lot, and that's not enough. I was talkign to friends this past weekend and the feeling is mutual amongst us. On Friday I came across a post on Reddit that resonates with me. It does a better job of describing how I feel about myself than I seemingly can.

In an effort to help myself with this, I've stopped multi-tasking most things. I'm no longer listening to podcasts while I work. I don't have the idiot box on in the background while I work on my hobbies. I don't have any media playing in the background while I do dishes, or shower. I'm cutting off the sources of noise that may be contributing to my overload. I'm not sure this will work or is sustainable. After all, I am arguably less productive with not consuming media while I do tasks. I have the thought that ultimately this will be in my favour, as I'll be inclined to give up some podcasts that no longer help me. It's a task I've been long delaying.

I will report back here and see how it's been going in a month.

It's been a while since I wrote here. I have struggled with desire and motivation for nearly a year now. I have the desire, I lack the motivation. It's not permanent. It's a phase… probably. Hopefully.

2025 was a year. The deaths stand out in my mind. The lack of outside activities is another. We didn't go camping as much, didn't paddle as much, didn't ride as much. It was a tough year.

Enough dwelling. 2026 is three days old and it's time to look forward, not backward. We need to be mindful of our past, not live in it.

For 2026 I set myself 3 goals:

1. Read 12 books.
2. Beat (not necessarily complete to 100%) 12 video games.
3. Close all three rings, every single day this year.

Of the goals, the first two are easily doable, providing I substitute motivation for drive and/or habit. The third is doable, but does not account for uncontrollable circumstances. If I have a flu that kicks my ass, I will not likely burn the 600kcal or 30 minutes of exercise or 12 hours of uprigth mobility that gets the heart rate above resting. Still, I have come close before. I usually get past flu season and well into July when things fall apart. This summer year I need to detach motivation. Motivation doesn't always work because life gets in the way. Plus, I already finished my first book. Ready Player One by Ernest Cline.

I didn't recall the events of the book as I was reading it, the movie version stood out more. They made a lot of changes for the film and I'm not entirely sure why, nor do I have any desire to find out. I did find myself being frustrated with all the exposition and filler in the book. I believe it was written for a younger audience, whom may not know what a vinyl record is. Though I'm not sure thatv was it either. Perhaps the book might have been a short story if they assuemed the reader could do independent research. Perhaps Ernest had a word quota to fill. Perhaps all the references would have been lost on others who are not as familiar. I would recommned the book to everyone who is the least bit nostalgic for the 80's. Despite my grievances, it was entertaining. The book was also way better than the awesome movie.